LARPA 2023

Announcing the Most Important Global ScienceTech Conference in the World

Haven’t you wished all carbon in the atmosphere would just … go away? Well we think it’s time that Fusion was just solved. Because somebody else can’t make the world a better place better than we are making the world a better place. We gotta move!

It’s time to gather the dreamers with the dreamers, and leave the doers out of the conversation until they start nodding yes. Why can’t our phonovoltaics get more than 90% efficiency? Does gravity really have to apply to all molecules equally? Maybe Desktop Black Holes are the waste solution we’ve been ignoring? If metal mining is so hard why aren’t we dragging gigantic magnets through the ocean? Time to swing the Occam Sledgehammer!

This paradigm-busting weekend will take place over two days in Asilomar (“AWE-SOME-LAR”) in December 2023. Keynotes will be by DERPA-G and a pre-recorded talk by George Church.

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LARPA-ing Schedule

Friday night: Welcome Dinner featuring Keto-Vegan Cheat Day cuisine.

Saturday day: 

• Peer-to-peer TED Talks. 

• Fusion Hackathon: 24 hours to get to positive energy production using technology.

• DIY BSL4 Biotech demonstrations and its applications to preventing lightning strikes.

• MetaMetaScience Panel Discussion: Is it “$1B” or “$1BB”?

• Talks:

  • “0 PPM CO₂ and Beyond”

    

  • “One Fuel Rod Per Child: An Abundance Politics Solution to Expand Beyond the 20kg Global Supply of Tritium”

  • “The Inverse Combustion Reaction: The Unreasonable Power of Sign Changes.”

  • “We Found The Nail! How our SaaS-only VC Fund Will Accomplish Global Ocean Alkalinity Enhancement to pH 9 by 2029.”

    

Saturday entertainment: 

• Wikipedia Race Tournament. 1st Place Prize is a $1M donation to a Wikipedia page of the winner’s choice. 2nd place prize is a $1MM donation to the same page.

Saturday night: Whale BBQ, a methane-free alternative to beef. Hosted by DERPA-G (see below).

Screening of the pilot for the greatest show hard-sci-fi thriller that never was, Heat Vision and Jack, viewed in glasses-free 3D.

Sunday morning: 

• Concierge WakeUps Inc. demonstrates how to get 10% more billable time from scientists.

• Workshop on Brute Force Optimism: Hey, There Can Only Be a Finite Number of Wrong Answers, Right?

  

Sunday: 

• Fusion Hackathon Demo Day (geiger counters provided). Winner receives an antique Nintendo GameBoy.

• Fastest Grants: A title-only granting program, presented by an AI rendition of Tyler Cowen’s voice.

• MetaMetaScience panel: “Extending Warren Weaver in 2023: Is Sigourney Weaver close enough?”

  

• BioPlenaries:

  • “(p)Uper: Rethinking the Human as a Mobile Bioreactor” 

  • “BB-SRM (Bovine-based Solar Radiation Management): Ultra High Throughput CRISPR Screens Toward White Cattle.” 

  • “Deployment of Next-Gen Plant Engineering Toward Space Elevators.”

  • “On-Demand Aligned Mitosis (O-DAM): A Just-in-Time Compilation Strategy for Asexual Adult Human Reproduction.”

  • “Baking Cookies with ThermoFisher Reagents: How Going Orders of Magnitude Up the Cost Curve Informs How to Go Orders of Magnitude Down.”

  • “Helping Nature Help Itself: Delivering Correlates of Human Consciousness into Ecosystems Through Broad-Host Engineered Phages”

    

• Closing panel of panels: 

  • “20/23 Hindscience: Judging Scientists of Old By Things They Should Have Known Today.”

    

     

  • “What did Monty Python get Right and What Is Still Unclear?”

  • “FlatEarthing For Good: Empowering freedom of thought by going orthogonal to legacy knowledge”

    

Parting entertainment: Heat Vision and Jack Photo Booth scientific-certification-2023.gif

Co-organizer: DERPA-G

Department of Engineering Really Performative Actions - Geoengineering (DERPA-G). DERPA-G will report on their 2022 summer summit from an Arctic mountain in which they powered a 700-person elite conference using purpose-built giant natural gas reactors. After $100M/MM investment raised via SPAC, DERPA-G successfully captured 69% of the carbon using pilot modular carbon capture. By 2025 they intend to develop the capacity to store such captured carbon, and for this year's summit they will release the captured CO2 back into the atmosphere in a system termed Catch-And-Release DAC (CARDiAC). Attendees were amazed at the quality of the beef tartar that comes from Australian grass-fed cattle with an additional dietary supplement that cuts methane by 44%. DERPA-G additionally reports on the accidental success of whale tartar as a replacement to beef due the excess hemoglobin and the methane-guilt-free keto snack.

How you can try to get an invite

We will put a public application link in compliance with all relevant regulations pursuant to LARPA’s pending hybrid profit/non-profit/nationstate status.

Pre-applications will be posted shortly and we half-heartedly encourage you to apply.

Happy April 1, 2023.

Acknowledgements

This is artisanal, small-batch nonsense: Not a single LLM was sullied with the creation of this gibberish. Almost all early readers asked if GPT was involved: this bodes poorly for my comedy career. If you have ever seriously pitched any of these ideas, I promise you the coincidence is accidental.

The original humor idea came from a running joke with Paul Reginato (Homeworld Collective) and Kristin Ellis + Ryan Orbuch (Lower Carbon Capital) last week at a conference. Also thank you to Michael West (WestComms) for his additions.